Reflection on my faith

How do you know that you really believe?
A very simple (?) question, one I never asked myself before, but one that needs to be answered, not only by me, but by every person claiming to believe.
I cannot give any rules, except for my own, so please, do not treat this as some guide or my claim to systematizing the issue. That would be ridiculous and plain stupid of me.
I was born in a country where religion and rituals have played an important role in the life of the people. Outwardly communistic society, rebelling against the tyranny from the inside. Roman Catholic Church provided both refuge and shelter, as well as the ground for protesting freely against the regime. I grew up trying to exist in double standards and double set of values. We were forced to lie in order to survive this immense pressure of communist ideology/idolatry. I was born and raised a Roman Catholic.
It was natural, obvious, unquestionable, and until this very day an average Polish person equals being Polish to being catholic. Try to even think of something else, and you will taste contempt and sadness of loneliness, you will feel hate of your so called 'neighbours'. So I did what I was told to do, every sacrament, every ritual - with time it was getting more and more boring and meaningless to do all that, but you do not want to make your parents sad/angry/whatever, so you just bite your tongue and go on.
Do you remember 1978? I do. My senior year at high school, Poland really getting all times low, freedoms cut off and activists in prisons, and suddenly this impossible news - we have a new Pope, and he is Polish. Could you imagine the joy and pride we felt that day?
So there you have me - on the one hand disillusioned in religion, on the other hand thrilled with this election. Remember that nowhere in me could you find any doubt about the validity of papacy and the Roman Catholic Church. I was bored - yes, but I did not dare think of God as unexisting altogether.
This was such an incredible victory for my country, and soon things began to happen. I mean here the long and arduous, but victorious, process of dismantling communist regime and regaining our independence.
As soon as I gained my financial self-sufficiency (which coincided with my graduation and moving to another city and getting a position at a university there) I stopped attending Sunday mass. It felt so good! but I still did not know anything else. And I 'worshipped' the Pope. We all did.
Due to some personal misery in my life I came across a cult and sank into it, believing that they knew the Bible and embracing their teachings. I had not read a single page of Scriptures prior to that encounter. It was new, exciting, explained a lot to me, helped me to get rid of my Catholicism, but spat me out when I stopped obeying their human demands.

I guess God had other thing going for me, eh?

Did I believe then? No. Intellectually I did, but my heart was not there. I tried, I struggled, I forced myself into it, but it just was not there. And rightly so - which I know now.
Then I met the man who later became my husband and moved to his country, which involved a lot of courage and boldness. Learning a new language, getting to know a new culture, finding my place professionally and privately, getting back to being a university student again after being a university lecturer (not easy at all and humbling)... Our children came, I found a good and satisfying job in education (never left this system :-) )...
And suddenly this year, twenty years after my encounter with the cult, I understood that the evil forces are not some horror stories for children, but the authentic and undeniable powers working in this world. You have to excuse me - I am not going to go into details of it.
People who confirmed my findings and convinced me of them were Christians. Bible-believing Christians. So I, curious as I am, started investigating their claims and convictions, and found no fault in either. Now I know that it really was not me myself, only the God with His Grace taking me into His hold.
And the rest is history...
Do I believe? Oh yes, deeply and with joy, constantly desiring for more spiritual food and praying for many years of life in this truth.
How do I know that I believe?

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
(Heb 11:1)

I might be able to explain it some other time... But the word 'assurance' sums it up pretty well for me.
Just one more thought: when I try to rationalize my salvation - which is not the right thing to do, but can be useful when you need to explain it to an unbeliever - I usually say that God in His mercy probably decided that because I wasted so many years on walking astray and making terrible mistakes, He shall not let me stumble this time and shall guide me quickly and with His firm hand directly to the form of sound words of His Truth.
To Him be the Glory and Joy of my worship.
This post is my testimony, and more testimonies may be found at Created For HIS Glory.